


Bittersweet

by GinnyBadWolf



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, M/M, Mention of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 22:49:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20090062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyBadWolf/pseuds/GinnyBadWolf
Summary: “Nothing could ever come of this, you know.”





	Bittersweet

“Nothing could ever come of this, you know.”

Merlin looked at him, eyes squinting in the sunlight as his hair was ruffled by the wind. Arthur stood before him, expression neutral as he spoke the words they both knew were true. “I know, Arthur.” He said, voice low and almost quiet enough to be swept away by the breeze.

“It doesn’t matter how I -- how I feel,” Arthur said, words failing slightly. “My father would never approve, and neither would the people. When I am King I must marry and have children to whom I can pass on the crown.” His face became a little pained, and he broke eye contact with Merlin.

“I know, Arthur.” Merlin’s expression didn’t change, nor did his voice. He had long ago accepted that there are some things one can never have; that life can never give away. Things just don’t work out that way, even with destiny involved.

It was quiet for a moment. Arthur turned away from him, choosing instead to look over the ramparts and across his city. He let out a breath. “I don’t quite know what to say.”

Merlin looked down for a moment, and then his gaze came back to Arthur once more. “There’s nothing more that needs to be said, Arthur. I’ve understood for a long time that we can’t ever…” He trailed off, letting the wind take his words and keep their secret for him.

“Perhaps if things were different, it could have worked out.” Arthur turned to look at him again, his voice tinged with bittersweet acceptance.

Merlin smiled wryly. “Well, things aren’t different, are they?”

Arthur chuckled. “No, they’re not.”

Merlin scuffed his shoe on the ground for a moment, then turned his back and began to walk away. He lifted his head and looked at the clear blue sky above him, chilly and unforgiving in the spring season. For a second the recent memory of lips on his flitted across his mind, and he paused to look back at Arthur, who was right where he had left him.

“I do love you too, you know.” He said, voice low, and Arthur nodded.

“I know.” Merlin nodded as well, and then turned back and kept walking.

There was something unique about that specific emotion he felt, walking away from the man that he loved; bittersweetness to the tenth degree. He had known since the beginning of his unrealized attraction that if it were ever to be brought up, this is exactly how it would turn out -- a mutual understanding of such sad impossibility. The strange feeling of being correct in a way he didn’t want to be haunted him; still, he knew that he had done the right thing. Arthur had a commitment to Gwen, duties he needed to fulfill, and the eyes of all the kingdoms upon him. In any case, Merlin was a sorcerer. It could never be.

He descended the stairs, and with each moment he felt calmer. As he walked farther away, he further cemented the decision they had made to deny themselves what they wanted, and it was alright.

He soon found himself walking into Gaius’ quarters. He stood still for a moment, taking in the sight of his home. Everything was familiar and yet different, now -- raw and grotesque in the afternoon light. Patterns of dust swirled in the air, caught by the sun over old and rotting wooden tables. Something in the world had shifted slightly, offsetting the order of the universe like a scale tipped just out of balance. It didn’t feel wrong, just … different.

“Alright, my boy?” Gaius said, standing over his workstation while making a tonic. Merlin closed his eyes and nodded. 

“Alright.” He walked past Gaius and into his room, quietly shutting the door behind him. It seemed so tiny, now, so small that it was almost comical. The room was flooded with that same harsh sunlight, and he sat on the bed while facing the little window through which the light came.

He didn’t cry -- he had done that years ago, when his love was new and overwhelming. It had seemed like he would choke on it, die from it if he did not let his love for Arthur free; it felt just like when he hadn’t used his magic for days. Blocked, fatal.

Now he was long past the conclusion all those tears had brought him, and the final confirmation of it was no surprise at all. He would simply continue to watch Arthur from afar, would watch him drift away, would watch him fall in love with someone else, get married, have children, forget all about what the two of them might have had.

For a moment, they had had it, too. Merlin was not strong enough to put out of his mind what the two of them had just shared. Arthur had kissed him, told him he loved him, and kissed him once more, only briefly. It was sad. It all was sad.

Merlin sat and thought until the unfriendly sunlight dimmed, yellowing like the pages of an old book. On reflex he stood and walked out of his tiny room, out of the old tower; went to the kitchen, went to Arthur’s room with dinner.

He opened the door quietly and carefully closed it behind him, setting the dinner tray down on the table. Arthur was on the far side of the room, staring out the window. He didn’t seem to notice that Merlin had walked in until the dishes clattered slightly; when he heard, he turned towards the sound, eyes wide and fixed upon Merlin.

Merlin paid him no mind, and instead set about being a good manservant. Arthur didn’t move, instead continuing to watch him as he worked. When everything was all laid out and the candles were lit, Merlin looked up at him expectantly, and Arthur suddenly seemed to remember that the whole point was for him to actually eat the dinner.

After he ate, Merlin cleared up the table too, and Arthur remained where he was, staring into the fire. By then the sun had set and the room was only illuminated by warm and wavering licks of flame. Merlin came to his side and lightly tapped his shoulder, briefly startling the prince out of his thoughts. “Time for bed, sire,” He murmured, and Arthur nodded but did not move.

Arthur was silent for a moment before looking up at Merlin. “Do things feel different to you, now that you know?” Arthur’s voice was quiet but the words felt loud, incredibly loud.

Merlin sighed, and then answered. “I spent so long knowing that despite what I felt, it could never happen, but now that it’s closed off for sure I feel strange. Like a weight has been both lifted and put on my shoulders all at once.”

Arthur nodded. “I feel the same.” He seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then stood, facing Merlin. “There’s just one thing.”

Merlin furrowed his brow. “What’s that?”

Arthur placed his hand on Merlin’s jaw. “I don’t want this to be closed off quite yet.” In Arthur’s eyes, his resolve either hardened or crumbled -- Merlin couldn’t tell -- and then Arthur kissed him.

It was their third kiss, and still it was dizzying. Merlin kissed him back, not able to control himself despite knowing that they had both promised only a few hours earlier that they would not do this.

Arthur pulled him closer, closer still, and they soon stumbled back towards Arthur’s bed. Arthur pushed him onto it and then moved to kiss him again, but Merlin stopped him, eyes wide and chest heaving. “Arthur,” He whispered. “Just this once.”

“Alright.” Arthur replied, voice so quiet Merlin almost didn’t hear him. Then he kissed him, and this time they didn’t stop.

* * *

Merlin woke up to insistent sunlight on his eyelids and feather-light kisses on his neck. He breathed quietly and then turned to face Arthur, who pressed one kiss onto his lips before moving back to where he had been.

Merlin looked at him, truly looked at him, and in the morning light he looked beautiful. He turned the light from an ugly thing to something to be marveled at, like nothing and nobody else did. For a fleeting minute Merlin let himself imagine a life full of beautiful light and love, a long and happy one with kisses and laughter and freedom from fear or lies. It was one they could have together.

And yet it wasn’t. They could never have it: destiny and duty wouldn’t let such a thing occur. And so Merlin kissed Arthur, unmoving; simply letting himself feel the press of Arthur’s lips against his own. Then he slowly sat up and let the blankets slide away. "Arthur," He breathed. 

He felt the light on his back, passing over him and falling on Arthur. They made eye contact, and both savored the end of something that never really began. “This is the last time.” Merlin said, and it was.


End file.
